A new line of V-Day cards

By Josh Salm/Staff Writer
Valentine’s Day, that day that celebrates romantic, courtly love and the concept of giving cute little gifts to the ones you love. For most men, the day is a reminder to give the one you love something like flowers, chocolates and maybe take them out for a nice dinner. For most women, it’s just another reason to be thoroughly depressed with their relationships.
Naw, I’m just kidding. The day is about love, commitment and romance. A lot of women I know enjoy the day because it’s like a second birthday for them, allowing them to be pampered a little bit by the man they love.
My question is, what do the men get? (And please think beyond THAT for a second here).
Now all week I’ve been told time and time again by married women, “Josh, let me give you a little advice so you don’t act as a complete screw-up …” or something to that effect. Each time it’s basic advice that I’ve either already learned the hard way in my relationship or knew better than doing in the first place.
Sometimes the advice just sends my jaw crashing to the floor because it shows that either a.) that guy is a complete fool, or b.) that gal is expecting WAAYYY too much.
More often than not, these tidbits of advice leave me asking two questions. One is, do I somehow give off the impression to most women where I look like I need all the help I can get? I mean, sometimes I wonder if I fell asleep at my desk and someone put a “HELP ME” sign on my back. If so, can someone please take it off. I get in enough trouble on my own without it.
The second is, do women really think so lowly of their loved ones that they feel they need to tell every other man what not to do?
According to Wikipedia.com, “The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year, behind Christmas.”
That got me wondering why doesn’t Hallmark come out with a series of useful Valentine’s Cards, cards that women gave give men that can help them avoid the pitfalls we seem to stumble into on a seemingly second-by-second basis. It would give men the advice women have been wanting to give them for so long (or at least give them another shot at getting the point across), and justify that $4 they’d have to spend on a card in the first place that will likely not be read.
One could be, “Honey, I know you can bring the house down by belching after you drink that 10th Busch beer, but please don’t for the love of God. I’m sick of cleaning up the Legends of NASCAR plate collection off the floor every time. Soon you’re going to break that Dale Earnhardt plate if you keep that up. Love you! Happy Valentine’ Day! Signed, your wife.”
See, it’s subtle but finally allows the giver to say what she truly feels in a manner that he’ll understand. I mean, who wants to wreck a good Earnhardt plate? That would be blasphemous!
Another could be, “Treasure, I know you’re upset at the Green Bay Packers loss on Sunday, but quit screaming about it. It’s over. It’s a game. And it’s waking up the neighbors.”
I’m certain if that card was in production my wife would have given that to me, framed it and would just point to it on the wall during every game. That still doesn’t excuse the Packers for giving up that touchdown late in the game because their moron safety fell down again. Stupid Atari Bigby.
Anyway, you get the point. I think I’ve got a new way for women to reach me. Now someone just needs to come up with some kind of funny design (like a half-naked lady holding a beer) to get a man’s attention and get them to read the card.
Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to go get my wife some flowers and a card by Friday, because ice fishing beckons on Saturday (don’t worry, she’s coming with. I’m not that big of a fool.)
By the way, the entry for Valentine’s Day on Wikipedia also said, “The (U.S. Greeting Card) association estimates that, in the U.S., men spend in average twice as much money as women” on Valentine’s Day.
Just some food for thought.